the rollercoaster

Its almost funny the loops my head has been going in over the last few weeks. Its like a roller coaster. There are two of them actually. Running simultaneously on a couple of tracks that are precariously close to each other. Which is probably why I feel like I am struggling a bit of late. Its exhausting actually.

One them is the “moving on from my ex” roller coaster ride. It goes from remembering the shitty things he did, and the reasons why I stepped away; to remembering the shitty things I did, and feeling remorse; to reminding myself how far I have come and that I have grown a lot in the last year (since we broke up); to feeling awesome for a few days/weeks/hours; to remembering “the good times” and the reasons why I loved him; then thinking about contacting him; then remembering what a shitty arsehole he was the last time we spoke (and reminding myself that if I contact him I would just be giving him another opportunity to use me as a stool to make himself feel taller); then back to remembering the shitty things he did, and why I told him to piss off in the first place.

Amidst all this, is another roller coaster, whose loops run in and out and are intertwined with the track of the first roller coaster. This ride is the “cigarettes and smoking” one. It goes from smoking; to hating myself for smoking, hating the smell, the way I have to wash my hands and have a breath mint after every cigarette; vowing to quit the next morning; to waking up the next morning feeling miserable (usually this will depend on which loop I am on in the “moving on  from my ex” roller coaster); and then starting to think about having a cigarette; within a few hours if I haven’t yet thrown my cigarettes away from the previous evenings vow, I will smoke one; if I have already thrown them away, I’ll start thinking about having one and will battle with my desire to smoke for a few days; then I’ll gradually start feeling better and better and congratulate myself as my personal power starts to grow and feel stronger and stronger (this phase can last anywhere from 3 days to a month although of late its mostly been 3-5 days). Then I’ll be feeling so good one day that suddenly I’ll think “I feel great, but the cream of this cake of awesomeness would be to have a cigarette, to celebrate this awesome feeling”. Then, because I know that is bullshit, I’ll push it aside, push it aside and push it aside… until finally the ‘naughty imp’ part of my brain will catch hold of that thought and twist it into “it would be really fun in a naughty kind of way, to ‘just have one cigarette'” and then I get excited about ‘being naughty’ and finally go and buy a packet, ‘just so I can have one’. Then because I have them there I’ll smoke them, because they seem to call out to me when I have them. And pretty soon I’m back to the beginning of that roller coaster, smoking…

These two roller coasters are happening simultaneously inside my head. Besides all this I’m trying to concentrate on the rest of the living that I am doing. Its no wonder I am feeling a bit anxious lately…


2 thoughts on “the rollercoaster

  1. often, it seems, the most compelling reasons for smoking are emotional, also; the more difficult dependance to relinquish is the emotional, rather than the pysical . . . although most are ‘educated’ to believe that the ‘Smoking Dragon’ grips us only in a physical sense . . .

  2. I’m really sorry you feel this way 😦
    I know what you’re going through – We need to love ourselves more – then letting go of that shitful smoking will be easy.

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