There is no spoon…

I feel like I just had a brainstorm/lightbulb or an awareness of sorts about this intimate relationship business. Now I could be right, or wrong, and I’m open to discussion… Either way, it came about through thinking about a couple of recent experiences and I’d like to share my process  and how I came to this realisation.

I bumped into a friend that I’ve had a crush on for a while, recently, purely by chance. Oh yes, we’ve acknowledged that we have this physical attraction, on a previous occasion, and bumping into each other so serendipitously was both exhilarating and delightful.

So during this chance encounter, we spent some lovely moments in a garden, eating the various leaves and shoots, and marvelling at how we could eat a whole sandwich out of the garden (except the bread of course) and even the condiments (after tasting some hot mustard leaves and then a spicy horseradish leaf). And then suddenly while we were standing by the strawberry plants he leaned in and seemed to be about to bend down to look at them more closely, and as my heart went boom, boom, boom, I just knew he was going to kiss me.

And he did.

It was lovely. The fragrance of him. The moment. The kiss.

So it is that moment that I keep coming back to. That serendipitous moment of us bumping into each other at this place, and then spending this time in the garden, and the lovely kiss by the strawberries…

The funny thing was, that very morning, I had the realisation that perhaps I am not going to be in a relationship, and I let go of the idea of being with one person. I decided that maybe it was not meant for me. Perhaps I need to be on my own, so that I can grow at my own pace and have my own space of mind. Maybe I’d just be content with having moments of love and laughter and joy that needn’t turn into anything serious and heart-wrenching.

So, having let go of this desire to be in a relationship (or at least becoming willing to let go of it), I have this experience which causes my heart to vibrate just so and to feel a little bit excited about the touch and scent of a man. So as the time passes I think upon this experience in the garden, and I wonder about if there will be a next time that I meet this person, and another kiss, and so on, and so on… Then amidst all this lovely musing and reminding myself that I don’t want a relationship, my thoughts go to that place where I see clearly how things started with my ex-partner in a similar way, serendipitously, and innocently. So softly, and how they became so very hard and ugly in the end.

I remember how another friend remarked to me a few weeks ago that my ex and I made the deep connection at the point of this enormous physical attraction that we had for each other, and the mistake we made was that we tried to carry that on and build a relationship around it. At the time I wasn’t sure if it was true, but just now as I had my lightbulb moment of awareness, I see that it was.

So then I’m wondering if that’s what many relationships end up being… Two people meet at the physical connection, and then decide that it’s so wonderful that they want to keep experiencing this same feeling for the rest of their days, so they decide to keep it. Then along the way, they each grow in different ways, and as they do, one or both parties make all these sacrifices in an attempt to carry it on into a lasting relationship. And often, in the process they fall flat on their faces, or drag it out and then fall flat on their faces. Or they stay together forever, unhappily going through the motions and sacrificing this or that of themselves for the rest of their days. Either way it seems to end in pain and misery with so much built up anger at each other for not living up to be this fantasy person that they imagined they saw in that moment by the strawberries in the garden.

Which leaves me with the idea that it is ok to have this delightful, delicious physical attraction, to savour that moment in the strawberry patch, to be open to another moment just as beautiful, but to be ever watchful of the mind and vigilant to not allow it to dream past the physical attraction, and to simply see that it is what it is.

A delicious moment; nothing more and nothing less…

And that brings me to my next question, or thought, that perhaps we humans aren’t designed to be monogamous. Perhaps monogamy is buying into the illusion that there is only one right person for us. Perhaps there are many right people for us, and that we are supposed to be fluid and changing. Perhaps we are supposed to adapt as we change, and move on to the next person who will be better able to fulfil us as we grow, and us, them, and be fulfilled together, or apart. In my experience, people are growing and changing at very different levels and speeds, and unless both parties are compassionate and willing to grow and change with their partners, then there is always going to be that experience where one is sacrificing parts of themselves to keep the picture looking like that illusory idea that they have created together.

So, perhaps in the words of Neo from the Matrix, it’s not about trying to bend the spoon, it’s about seeing that there is no spoon. It’s all an illusion and we can choose to believe as much of it as we want, or as little. It’s up to us. Here. Now.

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